Second Year

I’ve come to realize so much more about myself since Staci’s passing. Reasons why change tends to frighten me, why losing friendships, not being in touch with those who received pieces of my heart breaks me down a little each time. We were so similar in these things. She’s taught me more in her death than I thought possible. I wish I could thank her and give her the hugs she always seemed to be annoyed with. I always hugged a little longer than she was comfortable with. I realize now that she became a little more bitter because for four years prior to her passing, I was not able to hug her. I couldn’t see her deteriorating. I couldn’t cope with the fact that I couldn’t save her the ways in which she saved me. Though it was not my job, my heart always struggled with this. Still does at times. This is the second Christmas I won’t hear her call at 5:30/6AM before the kids woke up to their presents under the tree. Somehow, it seems more difficult this year than it was last year. I can tell you that I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I am older and even more sentimental than I used to be, but that wouldn’t be honest of me. I miss her and the more time that passes, the grief gets thicker and more real. It gets tougher to move through life because the thought of her just always being there is now a distant memory. I try hard to move forward and do things I know would have been joyous for her to hear and would have made her proud. She told me once that my dad was proud of me. She would always do her best to make up for some of the things I missed out on and try to make me laugh. I think it made her forget how her struggles were taking over and making it more difficult for her to cope with everyday life. She always hid hard truths from me. She always saw me as that little girl she had to protect. She was parentified in many ways she should not have been when we were growing up. So, she continued to live her life that way. Even when we didn't need it. I feel like she thrived in the years she felt she was giving to me and my brothers. Once we began to have our own families, she became so lost. Again, this is what happens in life. It consumed her though. I know it did. I wish she would have had the discussions she needed to have with me instead of trying to protect me. The concept of time is bullshit. Fact is, we don’t know how much time we will ever have. We can’t predict it and we can’t really make up for lost time and words left unspoken. That’s not negative, it’s just truth. We make pacts and say we will keep in touch with those we see at funerals, but the world keeps turning in an unfair advantage of no one else outside of your circle gives a shit. The birds continue to sing their songs of grace. The flowers and trees continue to do their thing and bloom without fail. People laugh, love, and continue with their lives while those with lost loved ones just watch in a time warp wishing things, words, and stories ended in ways we only see in movies. With the right words spoken, miracle cures for illnesses being free and life stopping to cry alongside you. Staci taught me that I can hold my children tighter, laugh with them more, forget social norms and what other people think I should be doing as a parent, a wife, a therapist. She taught me to never take the laughter we share with others for granted. My medical health is important to tend to because putting it off too long can make the outcome drastically negative and dramatic. Making sure I am doing this will make time last a little bit longer with my loved ones. I’m working on it, sissy. I promise. So, what’s the most important thing Saci has taught me in her passing and time in spirit? That she’s still here. I feel her in the moments I need to think on my toes, in the times I cry because I feel so inadequate, I feel her hand on my shoulder. I hear her voice, “Pap, you’re ok. Sissy’s here. Fuck these bitches, we're Dwyers with Fairchild blood. Get the fuck up and let's do this.” I see her in everything beautiful, messy, funny, imperfect and perfect. She is still here. And as long as I breathe, she will always be here. But man, I’m missing her extra this Christmas.

Some Summer Shit

There are so many things that are essential for me to share with you. However, life has been filled with chaotic, steady, and beautiful distortion since I last allowed a glimpse into my thought process. I am keen to the fact that life has been quite insane for many of us, and there are a lot of things we never bring to the surface. Even when we are surrounded by the people we love. So, I will do my best to condense it into a blog post.

Many times, I find people tell me so many of their inner, most genuine thoughts, fears, and dreams. It's always an honor for me to hold these things for people. I hold them close. I drive home with them spinning in my head. They move down throughout my heart where they stay as I ruminate on better advice I could have given. Better yet, did I leave them feeling as if I provided safety for the information I was gracious to receive? Were my facial expressions indicative of someone who cares? Did my response extend love and trust? Yeah, all of that from just one simple 1-2 minute or even 1-5 hours of interaction. 

There's a lot of loss surrounding us on a daily basis. I notice that I am lost most days as I navigate throughout somewhat of a daily routine. But why? I figured it would be easier as we got older and now that I am in my 40s, the truth is... nothing gets easier. None of this is easy. At all. In fact, I don't even know where Spring went. That shit just sprang the fk out of us and bounced! But alas, Summer is most definitely here. Though, its early stages do feel like Spring. 

I've been surrounding myself with people who check in. People who also have no clue what we are all doing. But their love and intention is so pure, it surrounds them like a beacon of light. I am captivated by the way(s) we can do more for one another just by being in their presence. I have never been in a place that is so unknown, vulnerable, and so safe at the same time. Without judgement or question for who or where you are in your life. It's just beautiful and my soul is filled a little more when I am able to sit and spend precious time with them. They are a constant reminder of why this life is so important. 

Today, I sit in the beauty of peaceful Summer overcast, trees branches and leaves swaying, and singing birds. I just put the littlest guy down for a nap. I gathered myself and prepared a lovely space by the window. I stared for a while. I cried. Then, I decided to utilize this time to gather my thoughts, emotions, and build-ups. They needed a place to go, but since I love to write and never provide myself with enough grace and time, I knew I deserved this. Call it a time to purge what I have been holding onto for a while now. 

Part of my journey through these last few months has been to care less about how others may perceive me, but place pure, positive, loving intentions into spaces that are dark. You know, those places like the closet, drawer, or stair corners we barely go into or clean. Because if we can't see it, does it exist? The answer - YES! it does. We all have them. Places that are not so clean, not so pure, and we barely go there at times. It hurts to go there. It's messy, scary, emotional... who has time for all of that? But nonetheless it is where we need to shine the light the most. Isn't it?

I find the more we spend time keeping ourselves or people who genuinely love us away from these spaces and places, the more broken we become. At least that's what happened to me. Frankly, I have better things to do than continue to protect these places. So, week by week I have been visiting, cleaning that shit up, and letting some sunshine in. It feels good to let go of what no longer serves us. What continues to hold us back. 

May you find your way into some of the spaces, places, and corners that have been needing a fresh coat of "GTFO" so you can absorb what is good and shine some light into each one. 

Love,

Patti

Wellness or Something Like It

The definition of wellness is, "being in a state of good health, especially as an actively pursued goal". Aren't we all guilty of setting ourselves up in a way that will ultimately contradict this? If you aren't guilty of setting a goal for good health, then I don't believe you. We all have these ideas of good. This could be spiritual, physical, mental health etc. Just because we have the goal in mind whether we speak it out loud or keep it to ourselves, a small piece of us is disappointed when we are unable to achieve it just as we perceived when said goal was thought of/created.

Over the past few months I have been perfecting my clinical expertise, understanding where I need to place my focus, and what direction I ultimately want to go. I can't help but include all of me in that decision. To not confuse you, I am talking about the fact that many have a need to separate themselves at work as compared to home. 

Home: Vulnerable, loud, at times too silent. A confusing space, filled with love. At times angst exists, but home is also a safe space or for some a place that can be dangerous.

Now this is my interpretation of a home filled with a lot of love. Let's face it, love is vulnerable, loud, silent, confusing, safe, unsafe, and filled with angst at times. 

What is my point now that I have made you read this far into my post? Well, anywhere we work can also be these things/places. But how do we actually make it worth our time? 

For me, I do what I love. I live out my life every day striving to be a better person than I was yesterday. As a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, social worker, co-worker, employee.... to me, this is so important. 

The single, most important reason to always strive to do better is because of YOU. Let me type that out one more time, in a better way because I need you to repeat it: YOU are the most important thing in your life. Do you need to repeat that again? If you do, go ahead... I'll wait. 

This doesn't mean your kids, significant others, or your spiritual higher power is last. I say the above because my own wellness is finally starting to become first in my life. That is with support of those who understand the importance of how it all plays into the day to day. 

As I have been perfecting my clinical skills, and figuring out me, I have struggled much to get here. Hit after hit, the past two years have been difficult to process. Difficult to recall and through recalling, difficult to not flinch or weep in the sorrows of all that was lost. Through my grieving process, I have found some healing, some solace, direction, and more to fight for. 

I do not think those who work in the human services field make the decision to do so without understanding the importance of their contribution. I have always tried to fight for the better things. I have done it wrong in the past and I have also done it well in the past. It all shapes and molds us into different, more equipped individuals. At least, it should.

The difference between home and work is that we get to unwind a little more at home, we get to "clean up" a bit before going back to work. I have always made it a point to be the same person at work than I am at home. Contrary to popular opinion that this is taboo, we deal with humans who are going through very raw human things. I am not the person behind the desk that gets to judge you. I am the person outside of the box who can grab your hand and say, "let's figure this out together." and. "hey, let me advocate for you." 

I've been speaking with my husband about the person I want to be and what I envision for our life together. Though he would support me if I wanted to be a caricature, we have had some struggles. I mean that, we have had to fight to get to the place where we are on the same page. It was not easy. God knows that man has the patience of a saint. However, I have also had the patience of a saint. We agree on this. It is never a one-sided thing in a relationship. If there is more than one person involved in any relationship, it's going to get ugly from time to time. 

A little internal family systems pun to get the therapist in me going.... In order to get to the good parts, we must address all of the parts. Get it? The parts? Tell me you get it? Haha

Anyway, all of this to tell you all that I am healing. I am working at being me. A "me" that is different than some may recall, but nonetheless the me that still loves people, to laugh, and the me that can still be super professional when I need to be. I just love myself a little more. A big "thank you" to my sister for opening my eyes to see that. I miss and love you so, sissy.

Please begin to listen to and love yourself. Most of all, continue to do good things.

Until next time and with much love, 

Patti

 

  

 

My Calm Before The Chaos

Leaving a job is never fun. I actually dislike change so much. Did I tie up loose ends? Did I stand up for what's right? Did I do right by my clients and peers? These are just a few things that constantly circulate in my head. I always see myself as somewhat less than adequate to do the work I do. Though, we should constantly remind ourselves that we have an impact throughout each interaction. I am so thankful for the opportunities I have been given and combat imposter syndrome just as much as many others in the field of dealing with or redirecting human life. 

As I continue my professional journey, there are equal fears to exciting moments ahead. I despise that we can never know what is ahead of us. However, I guess that does ruin the surprise and beauty of this life. This life.... It's so surreal to me that life is unpredictable to the extreme. We don't know when we will fall into an everlasting rest. I tend to think that is why I feel the need to follow my passions/desires. To make some small dent in the life I am living. A hope that my children will know how to love others and care about the things they say, do, and how they react to human-kind. 

Since Staci's passing things have moved so fast. I confronted a past I tried to run from for many years. I worked through some dark moments while still showing up and being the best social worker I could be. It was exhausting. Still is, but there's solace in this feeling of confrontation being checked off or completed. I know there are many more things I need to work on in the area of confrontation. I think many can relate to that. 

I miss my sister. And the excruciating pain her passing has caused remains so exposed and raw. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing. Other times, I know every detail within layers I am pulling back and working on. Staci never had the chance to have deeper conversations the way I knew she wanted to have. It was a battle within the deepest parts of her that prevented much of what she wanted to expose. I was never able to have the conversations we used to have when I was younger with her. I am grateful I was able to spend a few hours alone with her before we said goodbye. It reminded me that when you grow up in an environment as she did, as many of my family members did, you are over-cautious and guarded. So, for Staci rage was what you got when she felt over exposed or threatened. The very core of my brothers, mother, and I understood that. It never prepared us to fully heal from our own dilemmas though. We are healing nonetheless. In our own ways. This takes time and if Staci taught us anything, it's patience. lol 

Some of the best in my world and I went away for our annual Golden Girl's Vacation. This year we traveled to Port Kent, NY! It was beautiful, peaceful, vulnerable, and just what I needed before starting a new adventure on Monday. I will leave you with pictures of the amazing time we had! I love these women who have been through the wringer of life, but still choose to be the most beautiful humans I have ever had the privilege of knowing, and honor to love. Each with their unique way about them, we are somehow connected in a way I cannot explain. "Thank you for being a friend..." 

Until next time ❤❤ - Patti

Some Recent Changes and Updates

 

It’s been about 2 months since my last post. And it has been a hectic two months. I have certainly kept busy. Sean and I have been working on us and with the help of the grandparents, we have been able to go on some dates. This is essential to relationships thriving, by the way. Luke is about to wrap up his 1^st Grade year and venture into 2^nd grader status in a few more months. William turned 1. He is moving and shaking. Sean and I are proud of our little guys. They’re teaching us a lot. As an older mother of younger children, I am exhausted. However, I don’t think I would want it any other way. I have this admiration for our boys, for their tenderness, and even for their stubbornness. If we truly look into the beauty of each moment, even the most trying when it comes to our children, gosh they are the most amazing teachers and influencers. I don’t say this to gloat about my children. I say it because we have a unique position as parents. It’s a front row to the all of the ugly, beauty, sorrow, and delight. And I am honored, terrified, anxious, and in love with the idea. It’s a definite recipe for therapy, I can tell you that much. Lol

Since Staci’s passing, I have worked through many things I knew were necessary to start healing. I still struggle. There’s an infinite time limit on grief. It doesn’t go away. So, I allow myself to feel, cry, grieve, and reconnect. If it weren’t for a few people who allowed me to grieve in their presence and process, I honestly do not know where I would be. My own therapeutic journey has also been a beautiful one. Therapy is good. And I don’t just say that because I’m a therapist. I say it because I benefit from being held accountable on the things I name and discuss. It’s important. So. Very. Important.

I did much soul searching over the past few weeks. This stems from where I want to be professionally that honors not only my sister, but myself. How do I see my experiences, knowledge, schooling, upbringing, and legacy play out within this life I am given? This thought with a few other factors are what led me back to where I initially left to grow.

I love where I have been the past year. I have learned more about myself than I expected. It was a journey I did not expect to take at all. However, it has been a necessary stepping stone to where my next journey begins. In a very different capacity. While I don’t have expectations just yet, I know I will, and I am excited about these. When I say expectations, I am speaking about expectations for myself. I no longer have expectations from a place of employment other than ethical standards, policy, and respect. These are no longer things I tolerate when it pertains to a place I work. However, the growth in the past few years here is one that contains self-respect and boundaries that can be expressed in a manner worthy of my experiences, upbringing, education, and knowledge. We have to covet these things we learn and maintain them in a healthy way, with proper composure.

So, I am honoring that by returning to Orange County, NY and working as a therapist in the locations I loved working within many other roles. I am excited about this next chapter. I am eager to see where it leads me. I am happy to be closer to home and be present with my family. I will be joining some old faces and places while meeting new challenges and people, learning from those I admire, and putting much of the love back into the areas that feel unloved.

I will miss Scarsdale, NY. The school, the community, and my coworkers. I have learned so much from these extremely talented, loving peers. I did not think the impact would be so great in such a short time period. But here we are, nonetheless.

May you all take a moment to reconnect with your roots, and know that you have the power to impact others in unimaginable ways for good. In a world where connection and love seem so lost, there is still time. There are still possibilities. There is still work to be done.

I am still a work in progress, but aren’t we all? To be continued…. With Love & Grace - Patti

PS - Enjoy recent pictures of my lovelies. My hubs, Sean, My oldest, Luke, and the (not so much baby anymore) baby we didn't realize we needed to complete us, William :) 

A Journey In Moving Forward

I feel as if there have been so many times I wanted to write about the thoughts in my head, occurrences in my life, and the process leading up to this post since the last one. However, grief, time, love, work, revision, review, and parenting had other plans. So, bear with me as I empty my heart onto this page so I can move forward. 

My hope is that with my inviting you to process with me, you will be encouraged to take time and process your life occurrences and the emotions that come with this. We are only capable of holding onto so much. We hit a plateau at times, and then things get piled on. This can lead to late processing, dealing with past emotions that can harm our march forward, our healing. 

So, please make sure you take deep breaths, and reach out to me if you find yourself needing a moment to talk to someone as you walk through my grief. And don’t worry, it’s no charge to talk to me 😉. 

First the facts, time, grief, and love:

I feel like my life came to a drastic halt on Monday, 4/21/2022 at 7:44PM. My mother messaged me and asked if I could call her when I was free. When I did, I realized it was bad news just by the sound of her voice. It was about my sister, Staci. She was in the hospital, medically sedated, intubated, and in pretty badshape. We discussed the wishes of my mother, brothers, and I. If she should go into heart failure or not make it through, what do we do? My sister fell quite ill as she did not inform anyone of how sick she truly was. Her liver was in end-stage failure and she was declining at an extremely rapid pace. 

My older sister, Staci and I have a wonderful, messy, and most times in our adult lives, a tumultuous relationship. She was my hero growing up. I wanted to be as tough, brazen, bold, fearless, and smart as she was. She cared for me a lot when I was little and took on many of the unprovoked outbursts from my father growing up. 

As the years passed and we all followed different paths, I guess we grew apart. It is not uncommon at all for this to happen. We would communicate when obliged such as holidays and birthdays like any family. We even got together occasionally to celebrate a milestone or two. These started to dwindle each year as we grew older and our children began to grow. 

We all started to shift in our thinking. This is from how we wanted the lives of our children to be, and what generational/genetic things we wanted to change for our children. Staci always wanted children, but due to PCOS, other health issues, and lifestyle it was a difficult thing for her to conquer. She lived through us and our children for a long time. She loved her nephews and niece. She was front and center for them when they needed her there. She was front and center when any one of us needed her to be there. Not always sober, but always there. And it didn’t matter if we were in the wrong, she was going to defend us to the death. That’s just how she was. That’s how much she loved. It was a stubborn, fierce, her way only type of love. 

In recent years, I distanced myself so much. I couldn’t save her. I know it was never my job to do so. There’s nothing anyone can say to that. I know it just wasn’t possible. Doesn’t stop the sister, social worker, substance abuse counselor, and human in me though. It is just what we do for family. We try to help, we try to save, and we try to do anything we can. However, until there is a readiness and desire to want all of that, there will be fight, sadness, and heartache. 

As an adult, I saw the reality of my sister’s world. She had heartache that was so difficult for her to face and work through. I think my brothers and I wanted her to get through it so bad, we just didn’t truly see how bad her pain was. 

In learning some of what my sister was going through from third party information, I was the closest one who worked near the hospital. So, I went to see how she was doing on Tuesday, 3/22/2022. I informed my mother and brothers that I would let them know when I was with her, and demand to speak to doctorsto get a better picture of things. 

When I saw my sister laying on a bed in the ICU, Room 9-7, she had tubes everywhere, monitors all over, and she looked so, very tired. The nurse stopped to ensure I was ok as I stood at the door with so many memories, regrets, and sadness running through my mind, heart, and soul. I found myself not being able to go past the doorway for a moment. The nurse assisted in ushering me in to show me what each wire, tube, and monitor represented. She gave me tissues, a chair, and said, “she can hear you, mama.” And she left the room, closing the door behind her. 

I sat in the chair near Staci, collected myself for a moment, grabbed my sister’s hand, and began to sob whilst telling her everything I knew I needed to say. I watched as tears fell from her eyes as I was telling her how sorry I was for not doing more, for not calling every moment I had free, why I didn’t, and how much she meant to me. I told her that she was my hero, that much of the reason I am who I am today both professionally and personally were because of her. I then told her that if this world was too painful for her, I understood if she did not want to fight any longer, but I also told her I wasn’t sure if I could handle the pain of letting go. I then just held her hand and placed it on my face while I continued to cry.

I collected myself enough to call my mother via FaceTime so she could see and speak to Staci. Again, tears from my sister’s eyes fell as I heard my mother’s words of heartache and love. I then called my brother, Wayne. He and Staci had an incredible bond that was also tumultuous, but so, extremely loving nonetheless. I watched as he led a prayer of salvation for my sister, told her he loved her, and tears flowed again from my sister’s eyes. I then called our oldest brother, Billy. He spoke with her, she cried again. I hung up the phone and cried a little more. There were no more tears coming from her eyes. There were no more movements or responses like the arm twitch I had originally witnessed upon walking into her room. 

I spoke with the doctors and received information that no one wants to hear about a loved one. My mother confirmed later that Staci’s health was declining and at this time her quality of life was no longer sustainable, her liver had failed, sepsis had taken over, and her body was working so hard to manage. 

As a family, we decided mid-week that Staci had fought the good fight. Staci was tired. She deserved the peace that she had been running after her whole life. My mother flew in from NC, we contacted friends to say goodbye to her over FaceTime, we contacted family too. 

By Thursday Staci had been taken off ofsedation for three days and wouldn’t wake up. Her vitals were slowing, the oxygen from the ventilator had been pushed up, and we knew she was waiting for mom. 

By Friday, 3/25/2022 the immediate family she always protected, battled with and for, hysterically laughed with, and loved with every ounce of her being surrounded her as she was taken off life support. On Saturday, 3/26/2022 at 4:08AM Staci finally reached that place of peace and eternal rest. 

You will never know how difficult it was for me to leave her side for the last time. Wanting her to wake up and argue with us, needing to hear her say, “Papp, stop it’s ok. I love you too.”There’s a pain I never want to have to describe, that’s the pain. Raw, deep mid-heart, palpable, physical, and emotional pain.

Later that Saturday we surrounded my mother with food, family, grandkids, memories, smiles, laughter, and tears. I think we all needed that. In the only fashion I know my brother Billy could, he told Wayne and I that it was time for us to forget everything and leave it in the past. It was time we realized we have one another and we need to show one another that we love each other. I drove home that evening with such a heavy heart but a thankful one. Thankful because I know it was always something my sister wanted and in honor of her, we made an agreement to do just that. Heavy because, man she would have loved to have that when she was alive.

I called my friend, Shelly as she continued to reach out. She also assisted in writing and singing a great song called, Grace Like Waters. In NY fashion, I cursed at her: “You know, I heard your stupid fkn song not long after my sister passed.” “I watched as my brother ministered to her, led her in prayer, and tears streamed down her face. Then I heard that fkn song and I wanted to thank you.” I know, best review ever, right?! At least that’s what Shelly said as we laughed and cried at the same time.

Faith and fight:

I had been wrestling with my faith for quite some time. I think my last post was clear about that. And while I again won’t get into specifics, I had doubts but deep down, I never stopped believing in God. Listening to the song I mentioned above, all I can recall is watching the actual grace falling from my sister’s eyes when she heard each of us, when my brother ministered to her. When he told her that we needed to see her again one day. I say that because knowing she was ready but had one last thing on this earth to do was evident. The one last thing God knew we needed, to see the tears falling. Extending us the grace of seeing that she was entering into eternal rest and we will see her again. And while I may not give the actual experience justice, I hope I have given you a glimpse of what we saw as we shared this moment. It was heartbreaking and beautiful.

With hearing a lot of the things my sister had been subject to, it was essential for me to make sure I walked through all of my own issues. How could I begin to reconnect with myself, my faith, my family, my children, and my work if I am unable to continue the process of growth in a healthier way? We cannot run from things forever and I am in no way fit enough to run up a flight of stairs let along a whole past.

So, one by one I faced and fought through some pretty difficult emotions. I faced a few past hurts, and I allowed myself room to process and heal. While I am still stuck in the end-stages of processing and healing, I am seeing the fruit of gentle confrontation and humble reconciliation. Through this short journey, I have been able to forgive in a capacity I never thought I could. I have been able to uncover some vulnerabilities and share them with those I love the most. We will see if that love can last through my vulnerabilities. lol

Honesty and rawness like this always suck, but it’s necessary. This is especially the case when you go through heartache, and past hurts. It’s just a part of life and if you share this life with others, be it family, friends, a significant other etc. then it’s important to show these vulnerabilities. It’s important to allow those who are extremely close to you a chance in knowing you are not super human. It’s ok if we aren’t. I promise.

I miss my sister like crazy. It’s difficult to explain how we barely talked but there have been so many times lately I have wanted to call her and tell her about my day, about some of the light at the end of my tunnel, about some of the closure that is possible. Healing is possible, love is possible to experience but you accept the hurt, the loss, and the lessons through it all. While my heartache won’t change, I won’t stop denying myself the chances to heal, face each emotion and embrace them as they work throughout my time here, do more of what I am called to do, and fully embraced the person I am called to be. 

I hope this brings you closer to the emotional healing you may need to face and move forward. I know it will be a journey and I know it will hurt, but we are worth it. You are worth it. Staci was and still is worth it. Her story here on earth ended in a giant display of vulnerability, boldness, and love. That is how I will always see her.

Love you forever, Staci. 

 

Pappatish

2021 - You Bastard

It has been quite a while since my last blog post. Entirely too long actually. So many things have happened. The world has seemed to reverse itself and the axis we rely on has been tampered with. I am convinced of it. 

The human experience as of late has been a familiar one. Yet, it is in an unfamiliar setting. I last discussed some of the boldness we should be displaying. Much of what Amos displayed when the bible story explains he was presenting a message to the people. I won’t get into much of that for reasons I will explain later in this post. 

The past few years have been filled with my little family setting boundaries, experiencing heartache, loss, and one magnificent gain. We were bold in our attempts to set boundaries with those we really loved. We did not move our stance on the fact that we still believe black lives matter, there is no debate when social justice is concerned, the LGBTQ+ community is loved and accepted in our home, science is important, and we will not tolerate hateful words or “conversation to discuss” otherwise. We have lost quite a few friends and family members due to this. 

I witnessed my husband lash out in ways I have never heard him speak or act due to uncontrollable pains he hid for many years. It was a difficult transition to say the least. For all who truly know me, I thrive on knowing each step along the way. I must plan for the next steps, and it is probably the worst-case scenario that I am typically coming up with, so we aren’t too blind-sided. Seeing pain and destruction has really hurt my heart and made me question my usually solid-stance on certain aspects of my life and relationships. 

Throughout my social work journey, I have questioned many of my beliefs. Some of these my husband has been bold enough to question himself for quite some time as I still cling to some sense of belief in my beliefs (if that even makes sense to anyone). I’ve become pretty good at diagnosing and coming up with therapeutic processes to aid others. However, I sit here quite perplexed as to where we are and how we get through the next hurdles life decides to throw our way as a society, and part of humanity. 

So you don’t think I am all doom and gloom here let me tell you that, oh good things have happened! We were able to welcome our newest addition William to the family. I tell you when I look at him and get that beautiful, crystal clear, blue-eyed smile… for a few moments, my heart is taken to a place of euphoric measures. My eyes fill with tears of joy, and I at most times must catch my breath. He is so innocent, joyful, and outspoken. He can’t even say words yet, but you know he is not shy to let out a screech or laugh at things we cannot see or understand. He sees them. He understands. And I am in awe of this ability of his. 

Luke is amazing. His reading comprehension is out of this world and his empathy has no bounds. With having Sean as his father, of course he would be this way. I think that Luke also has this unquenchable thirst for more information about any and everything. He’s exploring his feelings and curiosity in deeper ways than I have seen most adults display. Getting to spend time making him laugh or answering some of his outlandish questions is an amazingly positive, and heartfelt highlight of each day. 

My husband talks to me more than he ever has. We have grown closer in so many ways and on so many levels. He shares a side of himself that he has hidden for many years, and I embrace that with all my being. I carry his burdens in a serious, defense-worthy manner and I believe he knows lengths I don’t even know I would go for him. Though, he has seen me more broken than ever these past few years and has so gently placed each broken piece into its perspective place, bandaged, and cared for each wound as if it were his only duty in this life. Yes, he loves this deeply. I am THE luckiest woman in this and many other regards. 

Amid this, I have seen Sean take on many things and feelings. I have seen him bury things that may hurt too much or burden others. Immersing himself into the digital abyss and enjoying the life he creates within the confines of his gaming desktop area. It’s safe there. No one judges him. No one manipulates him there. No one takes advantage of his kindness. No one bears the brunt of his pain when he lashes out. That is, unless he is in a computer-generated battle with you. 

All the above, and yet he still tucks me in on my side of the bed every night and opens doors for me. He still finds time to be the gentle giant to his children. He still finds glimpses of goodness in situations and people. This does not mean there are not times when Sean feels jaded, slighted, taken advantage of, not accepted, unlovable, and just sad or mad at the world and its inhabitants. As I stated before, I have seen him in a different light and I love that he has entrusted me with these parts of himself. 

Me? Well, I still cling to some faith in something greater than myself. I want to tell you it is God. However, I just can’t do that anymore. I have wrestled with this for a while. As I see hope, kindness, love, and faith shift to dark spaces and places in people’s lives I cannot help but wonder, “was this the plan all along?”. I don’t need an answer to this. I don’t want you to quote the bible or tell me some crap about X Y or Z. And please, for the love do not… “thoughts and prayers” me. 

Watching people these past few years has been exhausting. Discussing the pandemic has been exhausting. Putting on the brave face has been exhausting. It has been…. You guessed it… EXHAUSTING.

I feel as if we all need to be real. Shit’s been tough lately. I am not alone when I indicate that it has been difficult to gain perspective on “better days”. I get through each day by concentrating on THAT day. I cherish THAT day I have with my babies and husband. I love when THAT day comes to an end,and I get to see my babies sleeping peacefully, in a warm place we many times take for granted. When a friend responds, answers a call, or just lets you know that they are struggling too… it makes me feel less isolated.

There’s something about human interaction we all need. The constant reassurance that we are not alone. Undoing what current pandemic-life has done and trying to find out what the new normal is has been a daunting task for so many. The mental health and substance abuse professions have been hit hard. We are trying to help put pieces together. Losing some of our pieces with minimal time to complete the puzzle. The medical field is in shambles and there’s just chaos in all facets of the world at this point. End times? Maybe but like I indicated previously, I am most worried about TODAY.

What have you done TODAY that was kind without expecting a pat on the back or reciprocation? Have you told people you love that you love them? Have you responded to the text and voice messages anyone has left you? Have you been honest with yourself? Have you been able to witness some acts of kindness or love? Are you struggling with an area of life today? Because I am sure you are not alone in these things and/or feelings. 

Don’t be an ass and know that we are all still trying to figure out WTF is going on. 

Continually grateful and searching with you…

Patti

It's Time To Be Bold

I want to start by saying, if you disagree here... just click that "X" on the right hand side of this page. There's no need to leave comments that will be deleted anyway. I love you all and will not tolerate hate on my page, in my sight, in my life or those of my neighbors.

Here we go..... 

I want to discuss Amos. Yep, that OT prophet. He actually never considered himself a prophet. Amos was a fig farmer and a shepherd. He had such a great heart for oppressed people and spoke up for those who did not have a voice people would listen to. He was a good guy from the old southern kingdom of Judah. 

Amos felt lead to go to the northern kingdom of Judah and some of the other surrounding nations to warn them about some things they were doing that would surely bring God's wrath and wreck their lands. Of course when we try to tell people to be cautious or warn them, there's this little side of resistance within each of us. In this case, Amos was met with much resistance from the Israelites. 

Why were the Israelites so resistant? Let's get into that... king of Israel, Jeroboam had been so good at his job that Israel was extremely rich in all sense of material and money you can imagine. So much so that all sense of morals, ethics, justice, righteousness were gone. This caused lack of growth for Israel. When I say lack of growth.. I mean as a united people.  

Amos was so angry about the chaos in Israel that when God spoke to Amos and informed him to go and warn them of what is to come, he did. He told the privileged people who took advantage of their neighbors and did not show them love to straighten up. He rebuked Israel because they had plain and simple forgotten God.

In the book of Amos, specifically chapter 5 we find God extremely angry with Israel. Here, I learned that the Israelites were not rejected because of their rituals being improper, wrong or even that they were doing this to honor any other gods. God was pissed because of the lack of justice and righteousness. They were not loving their neighbors. They were down right just not doing good things. They would go on acting as if they were great. We could call this a time of "rampant destruction and moral decay".

God through Amos basically told Israel that without justice and righteousness, the relationship with Him is non-existent. He says, "Take away the noise of your singing!.. Let justice flow down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream..." (Amos 5:23-24)

Are you catching what I'm throwing here?

I am talking to the church. I am reaching out to my brothers and sisters-in-Christ. Don't get mad or defensive. If you are getting this way search your hearts, ask for clarity from God on why. I implore you to search your hearts. I know I have done so.  

We have much to learn from Amos. As injustice rips its way through our world, we need not turn a blind eye to the suffering of others. Prayer, teaching, preaching yes these are fundamentally necessary but at what cost when we sit and watch injustices and suffering?!

I want to set some things straight about my heart as of late. I am being brutally honest. My heart has been broken for our world. I have sat in prayer, in thought, in quiet meditation for my place in this fight for God's grace, peace, understanding, and righteousness to flow down like raging waters from Heaven.

I am white, I am privileged because of this. I don't have shame because of that. But I recognize it. I don't use it as an excuse. I am NOW "bent low in a posture of humility" as Latasha Morrison informs us we need to do in her book, Be The Bridge. She also gently guides us to also "talk less", "listen more", and to "open" my mind. You see in our world, humanity does not need pity or shame from us who are white. We need not say "I don't see color". We MUST start to recognize that we HAVE to see it. We HAVE to recognize it. We HAVE to change. We HAVE to start reconciliation. We talk about love and YES LOVE! But it means nothing if we love and no one knows we love.

Church - let's learn from Amos. Learn from your brothers and sisters-in-Christ who are suffering. It is time we need not be quiet. It is time for helping our neighbor, loving them, bending a posture of humility and understanding that for love, there is justice. For love, there is righteousness. For love, Christ died for us. 

Christ died for Gregory Floyd, Amaud Arbery, Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, Eric Garner, Dontre Hamilton, John Crawford III, Michael Brown Jr., Ezell Ford, Dante Parker, Tanisha Anderson, Akai Gurley, Tamir Rice, Rumain Brisbon, Jerame Reid, Tony Robinson, Phillip White, Eric Harris, Walter Scott, Freddie Gray, Akiel Denkins, Gregory Gunn, Samuel DuBose, Brendon Glenn, Natasha McKenna, Yvette Smith, Kendra James, Amadou Diallo, LaTanya Haggerty... And all of us... 

It's time we stand together in love, justice, righteousness. 

Are you with me?

I urge you to read the book Be The Bridge by Latasha Morrison. It's amazing and has taught me much about not being silent and having conversation regarding really difficult topics. 

With much love In-Christ...

Patti

#JusticeForGeorgeFloyd #Justice 

Don't Hold Your Team Back...

I think if it's one movie Sean and I enjoy watching together, I would choose "The Blind Side". What else is better than sports and a good story behind the game? We love this movie. My dad taught me a lot about the importance of every position in football. He is a long-time suffering Giants fan and my how much fun we would have with one another talking about sports. We were able to get to Giant's stadium years ago. Surprisingly, it is not the players, stadium, or even that amazing NY pretzel I miss or recall in memory at first. It is his gentle direction as each play was made. His willingness to teach me through each of the plays.

When playing contact sports, you always ensure there are no openings for the opponent to break through. This can cause a loss in points and maybe even the defeat of your favorite team. There is a phrase in the movie, "You are only as strong as your weakest link." This phrase is used a lot to help players understand the value each holds within the team. The single performance of one player can affect the entire team . I think that was quite evident all throughout this movie. But did you know that this was actually a biblical principle?

I was going through the book of Joshua. It reminded me of a few things. I promise, all of this adds up...

In Joshua chapter 7, Joshua sent some of his posse to spy on the land of Ai. They did and reported back to Joshua that the land would be a cinch to defeat. They also told him that there was no need to send all of their soldiers to conquer the land. Joshua thought he would do the smart thing and sent 3,000 of his men. Wouldn't you know, they were defeated. Joshua was taken back to hear this news. He in turn cried out to God. God basically told Joshua that this defeat was due to the sin of Achan. Yeah, he stole some goods and buried them under his tent. Why Achan, why?

The Israelites found the weakest link within the army of soldiers. Let's stress again that when a member of the team doesn't do their part, it leaves the team vulnerable for defeat. Joshua's men should have easily taken Ai. He lost all 3,000 men he sent in battle. Equipped with the power in numbers, strategy and brute strength. They did not have the one thing they needed and relied on.... God's favor.

Oh fellow brothers and sisters in-Christ, it may be tempting to bury our sin in or under our tents. We cease to acknowledge the important lesson in this story. When we position ourselves to think no one will ever find out and it won't have any affect on the team .... To put it in deeper context, I wonder how often a family is unable to get past certain roadblocks because of a buried sin in one of it's members or a church unable to grow because one of the leaders or pastors was harboring sin.

The issues we bury and refuse to deal with won't just affect the person attempting to hide or justify it. They eventually affect our team, family, spouse, classmates, co-workers...etc. Get rid of it, cling to and seek God in all of what you are going through.

Lord, please make us stronger links in our families, teams, churches and communities.... If ever there was a time for this, it is now.

Does It Matter?

Lately, I have been trying to find my place at work. So many things have changed and I worked so hard for the purpose, clients, staff. I will be honest, I think while it is work... It is more like I am trying to find my place in life. I am a wife, a mother, student, intern, and full-time employee. And trying to be an adult sucks with all that going on! Even when we don’t want to be adults, we must. 

I was recently feeling as if I had done something wrong, that I had failed as a wife, a mother, a supervisor and just all of it. Typically it is experience and dedication that take you places. I really thought giving my all would assist in the long run. It truly doesn’t matter anymore, does it? Of course my husband and child matter. But let’s be real here. It really sucks when you can’t do all you want with your family. I have given up so much to provide, be there, and fix things for so many others. It was not wasted time by any means. It just takes a toll on your mental and physical health.

While I am still really struggling with things, I was encouraged when I read 1 Chronicles 17. Dude named David decided he was going to build God a house. Being so taken over with this deep desire and love for God, David figured it would be cool to build a special place to put the ark of the covenant. I mean, hello?! Cool right? 

Well, David was a tad wrong or just plain old, full-on friggin wrong! Doesn’t that resonate with some of us? Time after time, I do things out of an abundance of so much love and passion for people and as I am many times, WRONGO! And that kind of pisses me off. Anyway....

It was totally not the perfect will of God for David to build a house! God was like, “Yeah, so I was already planning on having your kid build that for me when I wanted it.. sooo.” David’s son, Solomon was the one who would build that in the future. It’s like watching something so beautiful be built and then saying “Right. That’s cool. But you forgot that it wasn’t even supposed to go there and it is now worth nothing. Have fun staring at your mistake every day!” 

Something really cool happened here though....

God was not even mad at it! He didn’t get all angry, say mean things to make him feel like crap, make back-handed comments, or make him feel like a fool. God saw David’s heart through all of it. He saw that he was determined to do what he could to show his love for God. God saw that and He blessed David for that purity of heart. Pretty neat, right? 

It is my cry to God that I am given the strength to continue getting up each morning for my husband and my son. That I obtain the wisdom and knowledge to fight the good fight. I am so weary as of late. But like David, I will prove my heart by the things I do, the way(s) I do them, and the intent of these things. In this, I know I am blessed. 

1 Chronicles 17: 7-14 “Now then, tell my servant David, ‘This is what the LORD Almighty says: I took you from the pasture and from following the flock, to be ruler over my people Israel. I have been with you wherever you have gone, and I have cut off all your enemies from before you. Now I will make your name like the names of the greatest men of the earth. And I will provide a place for my people Israel and will plant them so that they can have a home of their own and no longer be disturbed. Wicked people will not oppress them anymore, as they did at the beginning and have done ever since the time I appointed leaders over my people Israel. I will also subdue all your enemies."


Thanks for stopping by.

Patti

Words

Lately, it has been difficult for me to understand why people find the need to vindicate themselves by blaming, or bad-mouthing others. I used to do this when I was much younger. Over the years, I have seen myself growing more into my life as a wife, mother, family member, friend, employee, and most of all Christian. 

"The words of a wise man's mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself."
~ Ecclesiastes 10:12

King Solomon recognized the dangers of putting a little person in a big position. Just let a fool talk, he reasoned, and his words will get the better of him.

Words are powerful things. Used rightly, they bless, encourage and instruct. Used haphazardly, they can wound, confuse and destroy.

Leaders-in-training at West Point are taught economy with words early in their careers. They begin their freshman year with a severely limited vocabulary.

Plebes may answer questions from their superiors in only four ways: Yes, sir; No, sir; No excuse, sir; and Sir, I do not understand.

"Yes, sir" and "No, sir" teach the value of being direct. "No excuse, sir" ensures that they learn to think in terms of teamwork and success. "Sir, I do not understand" impresses cadets with the importance of making sure instructions and expectations are crystal clear. It is a rather limited vocabulary--but it works, and any system for developing leaders that has been honed for nearly two centuries probably has as much to teach us ordinary folks as it does future generals.

The bottom line is this: a wise man carefully measures his words. Jesus told his followers in Matthew 5:37 to "let your yes be yes and your no be no."

A fool says too much, and often says it recklessly. Understand the impact and the power of words.

I learned a while ago that before I broadcast my profound opinion based on excellent insight, I had better get all the facts that are available and seek the whole truth, not just a piece of it. The fool is indiscreet, but the wise man measures his words.