Confusion, Doubt, Fear and Truth

Lately, I have noticed a change within me. It's wierd to talk about it, but what else is new. There are many things that people feel wierd talking about. Normally, you wouldn't get to hear about doubt or struggles that one is going through because they are afraid to show it, or just not in the position to accept what is going on within themselves (denial). I have seen what God can do and it has been just a small fraction of what He is doing in all of our lives. Even though I have bore witness to His grace, recent happenings have made me just question certain things or in a way, fear certain things. I love the Lord and want to serve Him well. Just remembering when I didn't have the faith I have now it scares me to think that I was so lost, but reminds me of how blessed I am and how much I am truly blessed and loved. I can't whip out scripture off the top of my head or even define certain stories in the bible (I am working on that). Though it frustrates me and makes me work harder to learn more, I see different people who just frustrate me. When I say that I mean, people who are book smart and just know things.....knowing more than say, the normal Christian who just loves the Lord and wants to serve Him to the best of thier ability. Not saying that these people don't share in the same passion, but you know. Picture it.....you are in a room and sitting with a few people and they start talking and throwing down these words that mean the same as the words you learned before college......but since they went to college it seems that they decide to say the word that takes more time to spell. Then you just feel stupid so you don't say anything and just wish that you were at home reading your bible by yourself or in a Sunday school class that you can comprehend......then you start to think," maybe I should be in the kids Sunday school class." I mean, at least I would be on the same page with them, or would I? Maybe it's because I wasn't raised in a Christian home and brought up with the manners and dilect everyone else was. Maybe it's because it takes me more time to "get" things than the average person. Not sure what the reason is to tell you the truth, but it's discouraging to even sit and eat with people and you are the only one not talking and feel like if you said something you would be belittled or looked at funny because you were gramatically incorrect or just didn't get it. Then when they try to explain it to you, it's still not clear.....so after a while you just get tired of trying to "get it", so you say,"right, I got it." Why even put yourself in this position right? Well, I have been removing myself from these conversations until I can learn and absorb more knowledge. It just feels like I am missing out on some great conversations. Sitting on the side-lines was never a fun thing for me. I'm sure it wasn't for any of you either. So, I am learning more and reading. I am just not able to grasp many things still. It makes me want to try harder, but at the same time drives me crazy. I am scared at times that I will never learn the things I need to learn so I can help others know more about Christ. Granted, the Lord will equip me with the tools I need to do what He has called me to do. While knowing that, I still don't even know what I am supposed to do. I mean most of the people I know are going to school for a specific major knowing what they are supposed to do with their lives or have it at least halfway figured out. I am still so accident prone it's actually become ridiculous and if the people around me aren't frustrated yet, praise God cause that's a miracle all in itself. I have tried confronting conversation and it has worked a bit, but I am still not so good at it. I know these things take time, but it can make a person go nuts. Going through all of this and still being able to focus on God and the work He really is doing in my life has left me feeling conviction. With that conviction I decided I would just stay on track and be stern about this. I am going to strive to know Christ more and to fall in love with Him more and more, no matter how much I get discouraged, I know God is molding me just the way He wants me. All good things right? Of course they are, but why do I still feel as if I am failing? Why am I still so scared? In my delivery of the word to someone who knows nothing about it, it matters how it is delivered. It matters how I word things. It matters how I react to the things the other person is saying. Knowing that if they do not grasp what you are saying, it is only because it is not the time for them to see things and put them into perspective as you and I do. It just hurts so much when you try so hard, but still just can't get it. I have been learning that hiding from conversation will only make you less knowledgable in what is going on and less likely to pray for others(since you don't know what's going on;). Today, I read Romans 12:9-21. It was so good to be reminded of what we are here for and the glory that is brought to God when we are obedient to Him makes me so happy! So, as I know all of you are striving to seek His face day in and day out, but struggle nonetheless as I do ( maybe not in the same way, but you get it) be encouraged by truth! :)