It has been quite a while since my last blog post. Entirely too long actually. So many things have happened. The world has seemed to reverse itself and the axis we rely on has been tampered with. I am convinced of it.
The human experience as of late has been a familiar one. Yet, it is in an unfamiliar setting. I last discussed some of the boldness we should be displaying. Much of what Amos displayed when the bible story explains he was presenting a message to the people. I won’t get into much of that for reasons I will explain later in this post.
The past few years have been filled with my little family setting boundaries, experiencing heartache, loss, and one magnificent gain. We were bold in our attempts to set boundaries with those we really loved. We did not move our stance on the fact that we still believe black lives matter, there is no debate when social justice is concerned, the LGBTQ+ community is loved and accepted in our home, science is important, and we will not tolerate hateful words or “conversation to discuss” otherwise. We have lost quite a few friends and family members due to this.
I witnessed my husband lash out in ways I have never heard him speak or act due to uncontrollable pains he hid for many years. It was a difficult transition to say the least. For all who truly know me, I thrive on knowing each step along the way. I must plan for the next steps, and it is probably the worst-case scenario that I am typically coming up with, so we aren’t too blind-sided. Seeing pain and destruction has really hurt my heart and made me question my usually solid-stance on certain aspects of my life and relationships.
Throughout my social work journey, I have questioned many of my beliefs. Some of these my husband has been bold enough to question himself for quite some time as I still cling to some sense of belief in my beliefs (if that even makes sense to anyone). I’ve become pretty good at diagnosing and coming up with therapeutic processes to aid others. However, I sit here quite perplexed as to where we are and how we get through the next hurdles life decides to throw our way as a society, and part of humanity.
So you don’t think I am all doom and gloom here let me tell you that, oh good things have happened! We were able to welcome our newest addition William to the family. I tell you when I look at him and get that beautiful, crystal clear, blue-eyed smile… for a few moments, my heart is taken to a place of euphoric measures. My eyes fill with tears of joy, and I at most times must catch my breath. He is so innocent, joyful, and outspoken. He can’t even say words yet, but you know he is not shy to let out a screech or laugh at things we cannot see or understand. He sees them. He understands. And I am in awe of this ability of his.
Luke is amazing. His reading comprehension is out of this world and his empathy has no bounds. With having Sean as his father, of course he would be this way. I think that Luke also has this unquenchable thirst for more information about any and everything. He’s exploring his feelings and curiosity in deeper ways than I have seen most adults display. Getting to spend time making him laugh or answering some of his outlandish questions is an amazingly positive, and heartfelt highlight of each day.
My husband talks to me more than he ever has. We have grown closer in so many ways and on so many levels. He shares a side of himself that he has hidden for many years, and I embrace that with all my being. I carry his burdens in a serious, defense-worthy manner and I believe he knows lengths I don’t even know I would go for him. Though, he has seen me more broken than ever these past few years and has so gently placed each broken piece into its perspective place, bandaged, and cared for each wound as if it were his only duty in this life. Yes, he loves this deeply. I am THE luckiest woman in this and many other regards.
Amid this, I have seen Sean take on many things and feelings. I have seen him bury things that may hurt too much or burden others. Immersing himself into the digital abyss and enjoying the life he creates within the confines of his gaming desktop area. It’s safe there. No one judges him. No one manipulates him there. No one takes advantage of his kindness. No one bears the brunt of his pain when he lashes out. That is, unless he is in a computer-generated battle with you.
All the above, and yet he still tucks me in on my side of the bed every night and opens doors for me. He still finds time to be the gentle giant to his children. He still finds glimpses of goodness in situations and people. This does not mean there are not times when Sean feels jaded, slighted, taken advantage of, not accepted, unlovable, and just sad or mad at the world and its inhabitants. As I stated before, I have seen him in a different light and I love that he has entrusted me with these parts of himself.
Me? Well, I still cling to some faith in something greater than myself. I want to tell you it is God. However, I just can’t do that anymore. I have wrestled with this for a while. As I see hope, kindness, love, and faith shift to dark spaces and places in people’s lives I cannot help but wonder, “was this the plan all along?”. I don’t need an answer to this. I don’t want you to quote the bible or tell me some crap about X Y or Z. And please, for the love do not… “thoughts and prayers” me.
Watching people these past few years has been exhausting. Discussing the pandemic has been exhausting. Putting on the brave face has been exhausting. It has been…. You guessed it… EXHAUSTING.
I feel as if we all need to be real. Shit’s been tough lately. I am not alone when I indicate that it has been difficult to gain perspective on “better days”. I get through each day by concentrating on THAT day. I cherish THAT day I have with my babies and husband. I love when THAT day comes to an end,and I get to see my babies sleeping peacefully, in a warm place we many times take for granted. When a friend responds, answers a call, or just lets you know that they are struggling too… it makes me feel less isolated.
There’s something about human interaction we all need. The constant reassurance that we are not alone. Undoing what current pandemic-life has done and trying to find out what the new normal is has been a daunting task for so many. The mental health and substance abuse professions have been hit hard. We are trying to help put pieces together. Losing some of our pieces with minimal time to complete the puzzle. The medical field is in shambles and there’s just chaos in all facets of the world at this point. End times? Maybe but like I indicated previously, I am most worried about TODAY.
What have you done TODAY that was kind without expecting a pat on the back or reciprocation? Have you told people you love that you love them? Have you responded to the text and voice messages anyone has left you? Have you been honest with yourself? Have you been able to witness some acts of kindness or love? Are you struggling with an area of life today? Because I am sure you are not alone in these things and/or feelings.
Don’t be an ass and know that we are all still trying to figure out WTF is going on.
Continually grateful and searching with you…
Patti
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