My Calm Before The Chaos

Leaving a job is never fun. I actually dislike change so much. Did I tie up loose ends? Did I stand up for what's right? Did I do right by my clients and peers? These are just a few things that constantly circulate in my head. I always see myself as somewhat less than adequate to do the work I do. Though, we should constantly remind ourselves that we have an impact throughout each interaction. I am so thankful for the opportunities I have been given and combat imposter syndrome just as much as many others in the field of dealing with or redirecting human life. 

As I continue my professional journey, there are equal fears to exciting moments ahead. I despise that we can never know what is ahead of us. However, I guess that does ruin the surprise and beauty of this life. This life.... It's so surreal to me that life is unpredictable to the extreme. We don't know when we will fall into an everlasting rest. I tend to think that is why I feel the need to follow my passions/desires. To make some small dent in the life I am living. A hope that my children will know how to love others and care about the things they say, do, and how they react to human-kind. 

Since Staci's passing things have moved so fast. I confronted a past I tried to run from for many years. I worked through some dark moments while still showing up and being the best social worker I could be. It was exhausting. Still is, but there's solace in this feeling of confrontation being checked off or completed. I know there are many more things I need to work on in the area of confrontation. I think many can relate to that. 

I miss my sister. And the excruciating pain her passing has caused remains so exposed and raw. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing. Other times, I know every detail within layers I am pulling back and working on. Staci never had the chance to have deeper conversations the way I knew she wanted to have. It was a battle within the deepest parts of her that prevented much of what she wanted to expose. I was never able to have the conversations we used to have when I was younger with her. I am grateful I was able to spend a few hours alone with her before we said goodbye. It reminded me that when you grow up in an environment as she did, as many of my family members did, you are over-cautious and guarded. So, for Staci rage was what you got when she felt over exposed or threatened. The very core of my brothers, mother, and I understood that. It never prepared us to fully heal from our own dilemmas though. We are healing nonetheless. In our own ways. This takes time and if Staci taught us anything, it's patience. lol 

Some of the best in my world and I went away for our annual Golden Girl's Vacation. This year we traveled to Port Kent, NY! It was beautiful, peaceful, vulnerable, and just what I needed before starting a new adventure on Monday. I will leave you with pictures of the amazing time we had! I love these women who have been through the wringer of life, but still choose to be the most beautiful humans I have ever had the privilege of knowing, and honor to love. Each with their unique way about them, we are somehow connected in a way I cannot explain. "Thank you for being a friend..." 

Until next time ❤❤ - Patti